Its spring and I am in a yellow mood. I feels lovely.

I always know that its summer if I can feel the cold only slightly in my toes. Not all the way up my legs, just on the tips of my toes.
I wish it would rain again, its been fairly dry for several days and I feel so much more grounded and purposeful when it rains, like when its dry for too long I feel like I'm so light I'll fly away, the air loses its refreshing dampness almost.
I want to stay in town again, to ride my japanese made thirty year old cruiser around the street in the wee hours of the sandpoint morning. I haven't seen dew yet this year as I've taken to sleeping VERY late.
Rain's catharthic, dunno, I was talking to kathryn a few days ago and the only way I could describe rain was that it felt like my entire body was crying and how liberating that felt for me as I swear my tear ducts were removed or disabled or something of the sort. I'm not unemotional, I've just been trained that my emotions will probably be used against me if I let them show through, or worse yet, cause someone to worry or ask what's wrong.
I want to stay up all night long and stargaze, but I have work tommorow and I don't know if I could deal with being exhausted and emotinally upside down, inside out, backwards at the same time.
I suppose I'll go to sleep after this CD ends. or maybe not, maybe I'll pick up a paintbrush for the first time in a long while, perhaps I'll pick up some wayward clippings and peice them together. or perhaps this CD will never end, it feels like summer, because this is what summer is, my toes slightly chilly, my hads warm because of the tea I'm drinking, headphones in, bathed in cold bluish computer light until I go lay on my deck and think about morning and sun and people and anxious waiting for something that never happens, or happens and then just barely whets my hunger for whatever the hell it is I'm wasting my time chasing for breif moments of peace.
my house is so near the highway and train tracks I'm not even bothered by the noise, its just always been there, sometimes I wonder where the people in the cars are going, why they're going there, their general life story etc. People facinate me, all of them. there's so much diversity, contradiction, experience, knowledge, wisdom, history even in just one person, I don't understand how we can't realize that and stop for just one second every day and think about it, contemplate how fucking complex we are, how much potential we have, how, jesus, I don't even know how to express the enormity of how that concept could effect us.
I get too stuck in the moment, the fun I could be having, the experiences, people, places I could know, I spend too much of my time wanting, chasing those things and not realizing that I'm having experiences, meeting people, going places, I never slow down long enough to digest all of what I've seen, I'm so intent on taking in as much as I can. Quality gets lost in quantity. I might go bury my feet in the sand in a few hours and watch the sun rise. It'd be nice. I nver really do anything alone.

I really want to make it on the CP staff. but I'm scared. and I'm feeling less than witty, and... like a pretentious bitch. maybe its just good common sense, or maybe its not and I'm being an idiot with low self esteem.
I want to design, and write and do it all because its intruging and a challenge. But will it be too much? will it be too hard? will I not be able to adjust? gah.
I feel angsty, and annoyed. Generally, I'm not in a good state.
You know that feeling right before you sneeze and all you really want for a moment is for the incredible pressure to just end, that tickling sensation just go away? I hate that, almost as much as I hate it when you fail to sneeze after all that torment. grah.

Ciao bella,

Hay me, entrando tu diario. Pardona me, para este. Pero, no lo siento porque tu quieres, verdadmente. A me, estoy asi asi, y me gustan hablar en espanol ahora mismo. Que divertido.

Actualmente, acabo de terminar mirar la pelicula. Casi, por los menos. La hace mi me siento feliz, y contenido, y.... muy comodo. Tu sabes.

Si solo no yo tengo ningua tarea. *llore, un pequeto* Desgracidamente, no es tan. Hay que lave los platos, y escribe el cuento para la clase de... Journalism... y muchos estudios para matematicas. Joda, (un palabra aprende para la diarios de motocicleta) por que haci asi que malo! Que lastima, pero por lo menos maestra davis es dar una examen nueva.

En mas feliz cosas... pensa de camas tibias, tea, amigos intimos, viajar, y... verano!

Amor, suerto, y dulces mes ame. xD

I'm tired. and cranky, and sick of being stereotyped by my psycho father. the latest? he compared me to luanne from the comic strip. rough gist: luann gets a cat which her father is allergic to, making him miserable so she can be happy, in the end she regrets it and realizes she was wrong. wow, isn't that telling of how my father thinks of me. god. why. I don't try to make him miserable, in fact quite the opposite, I try to ignore him and only hope for the same courtesy. I don't try to start arguements, however everything I do wrong he thinks is done intentionally simply to piss him off. I spend as little time thinking about him as I can, let alone plotting how to piss him off. it doesn't work that way, I simply dont give a damn. I just don't care, I don't think about him unless he does something like this which pisses me off. How can he think that. I don't get it, at all. I just want him to go away so I can live my life, and so he won't try to live through me, which he admits he does. he wants me to do what he thinks is right for me, what he wishes he could do, even if it's not what I want, he objects to everything I do that he doesn't think fits into his version of how my life is going to be, such as, actually, art. he hates my art, he hated soccer, he hated my running. I don't get it, he says I shouldn't work so hard at school, but would freak if I got bad grades (bad being a 'B'). I wish my famiily was sane.